Saturday, April 25, 2020

I am reviving my blog for the moment. So, so much is happening right now, and I don’t know where to begin.  I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone, so I’m just going to chat with myself.  There is a global pandemic. It has been hot and heavy for the past 2 months. Covid -19. The Corona Virus. And depending on who you listen to, it’s going to kill us all. Or it’s no big deal, and we will all be fine. As long as you aren’t old, young, fat, skinny, black, brown, white, diabetic, heart compromised, immunocompromised, as long as you stay 6 feet away, wear a mask, don’t wear a mask....the list goes on.  So for the past 6 weeks, and for the foreseeable future, Bennie and I are quarantined at home, living our best life.

Bennie was working for a Walmart vendor, and he continued that for the first few weeks.  Then they announced a financial stimulus package was coming, which would more than pay off the remaining debt Bennie was trying to get paid off.  So he finally quite the job, and we started quarantine all over again.

Barrett has been able to take furlough at his job, to try and keep the virus away from Thomas.  Cindy is working from home.  We have been keeping our distance.  Thomas FaceTimes me several times a day. We play police, watch tv. Occupy his mind while mommy gets her work done.  The bills have to be paid.  So far, we are all doing ok keeping up.

Cruising is off the table for a while.  The virus has been very tough on the cruise lines.  Many people got sick and died, and many ports refused to let ships in. Borders are closed around the world, and travel is stopped for the most part.

But there is more. I’m scared.  I’m really scared.  People get this virus, and symptoms are all over the place.  Everything from asymptotic to death. The hospitals won’t allow visitors at all. So people go into the hospitals, and end up dying alone, or saying goodbye over FaceTime.

I’m scared of leaving Bennie.  He doesn’t do well as a single person.  I’m scared of Bennie leaving me. I’ve been pampered for 24 years. I don’t want to do this alone.

I’m scared of leaving Cindy.  I am her best friend. I need to be around for her for a few more years.
I’m scared of leaving Thomas.  He would have happy vague memories.  But he needs a kidney someday. Although i really don’t want to deal with all that trauma, I need to be there for him.
I’m scared of Thomas getting the virus, and it forcing his body into needing the kidney early.  The healthcare system is being run by the virus.  Routine healthcare is out the windows.

I am as prepared as I can ever be if something happens to me. I know a hospital stay will be lonely, and most likely the end. What I’m afraid of is not getting to say goodbye to Bennie and Cindy.

I’m ready to feel safe in my world again.  I’m ok with distancing and wearing masks. I’m ok with never seeing another concert or basketball game. I can even live without cruises, as hard as that is to say.  We have seen most of the places on our bucket list. I can give up my cruising if it will keep me off a ventilator!

By the time our new normal sets in, Thomas will be in his new school, starting kindergarten.  We will be adjusting to a new normal anyway.

I’m just weary from being scared!